Stop Calling Yourself a Hot Mess: Talk To Yourself Like You Matter

"I'm such a hot mess." "I'm so needy." "I'm so stupid-I can't believe I did that."

You've probably made these statements about yourself (or something similar) this week. Maybe it happens every day, multiple times a day. Most women I know say things like this out loud routinely. It happens so often that it doesn't even register on our radar as noteworthy.

Here's an idea that will help you reach your goals: stop calling yourself a hot mess and talk to yourself like you are a person that matters. The issues like your eating, your schedule, your emotions — none of those are actually your biggest problem. The way you're talking to yourself about all of that - that's the problem.

In Montessori, there is a concept called the Language of Reverence, which is about how the words we use, the words we choose, shape the way people feel about themselves and each other. In this episode, I contrast the Language of Reverence with two opposite patterns — the Language of Diminishment and the Language of Violence. Once you understood these concepts, you will start noticing how often you use language of diminishment and of violence, and how seldom you use language of reverence, especially with regard to yourself - whether you are speaking out loud or in your own head.

A few examples of how you can reframe your self-talk:

• "I'm a hot mess" becomes "I would like my house, my schedule, my thoughts to be more organized."
• "I'm shooting myself in the foot" becomes "I did something that's not aligned with my values, and I want to make a different choice next time."
• "I keep sabotaging myself" becomes "I ate X when I planned to eat Y" — just the facts, without the loaded language.
• "I'm so stupid" becomes "I did something I now think was unwise, and I want to be more thoughtful next time."

None of these reframes are about being overly positive or pretending something didn't happen. They're about accuracy. Most of what we say to ourselves isn't even true — it's just familiar.

The shift starts with noticing. Before you speak to yourself, ask: would I say this to someone I love? Is this true? Start with one phrase a day. Catch it. Reframe it. This is a practice (be patient with yourself) — and it changes everything about how you show up for yourself.